I am sorry mom

Dear Diary,

I woke up at 3am. I was in a bed that wasn't mine. I don't recognize the place either. I had some cuts on my ankles and a little burn on my wrist. It isn't much painful though. I kept looking for my phone for about an hour. I had to call my mother. She must be worried. I haven't gone home for almost a week now. I never used to stay out before. It started happening from a few months now, after I met Shudh. He’s my boyfriend. Was. I meant I haven’t heard from him from a few weeks. We had a fight one night about him inviting my sister to one of “his” parties. Come on, she’s my little sister. I can’t let her see this world, my world. Its bad enough I let myself in here. I sometimes feel like I am living in some parallel universe where I am not even sure what I feel anymore. Its like in a dream you see, do, live things and then you wake up and its gone. And when I get calls from my mother I realize I'm here, right where I always was.

Mom worries about me. I see the look in her face everytime I come home late. It looks like fear. “Trust me mom, its harder than you think. I don't want to live in THIS world but I can barely help myself. Everytime I prick myself with that needle all I can do is cry. Because I am doing it without my will. Am not under my control. I try to live like you want. But i am too weak to bear all that's happening in my body.”

I don’t remember how I got here. I remember I was starving and shivering. I remember P ringing on my phone and me switching off my phone because i didn’t want to end up here, again. I don’t remember anything after. I don't remember most of these days. I wake up at different places, places that felt like heaven and hell. I don't remember dates and sometimes even years. That happens rare though. At times, I cry for being stupid. But most of the time I'm happy. Too happy to look back, too happy to look forward, into years from now when I'll long to live this again, this time, this age, these moments when I can actually feel things- good bad worse. I sometimes long to travel back in time and start again at the crossroads, where I took this turn. For now I know where it will take me. I can see things clear from here. I see the illusion I've made of life. But all it does is take me down. Till I hit the rock bottom and the bottom after.