The touch I dont want to remember

It's almost two weeks now. But it still hurts when I tilt my neck to the right. There are still blue black marks on my wrist, i still couldn't wash off the stink of his touch, after 3 showers everyday sometimes even more, I still smell his sweat on me, the stale reek of alcohol from this breath. I cringe every time I think, my fingers and toes become stiff and by skin crawls into my stomach. Then I shower again. But now even my wardrobe smells like him, my sheets smell like him, or may be its me. May be I smell like him. I haven't been able to talk with mom and dad for two weeks. I haven't gone out my room ever since. I disgust myself.

           I must have passed out after midnight. I barely remember anything after the 3rd beer. But I woke up in the middle of the night. I tried to lift up my head and open my eyes, all I could see was a shadow leaning over me. I couldn't move myself. I felt weight over me, as if the shadow was pressing up against me. My clothes, they weren't there.  I was on the floor and someone was lying next to me. The marble felt so cold and hard on my back and hip. I tried to wake myself up from the dream. But it hurts and dreams don't hurt. Dreams don't cut your vagina like a sand paper scraping your skin. Dreams don't strangle you when you try to scream and run.

The next morning I looked at him. And he smiled at me like nothing happened. He WAS my FRIEND.


                                                                                                                                           17th July
Dear Diary,

          I am so so excited about  X's Birthday. Will sleep late today. I have to call him at midnight to wish him.

Also, I do feel bad I had to lie to my mom. But I promise its only for now. As soon as i come back from the party I'll tell her everything. I hope she understands. I am no longer a kid anyway.